Bob Newhart’s Diaper Log — Gasoline Engine Edition

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(A one-sided phone conversation, dated today at 2:14 p.m.)
SFX: Phone rings once. Pick up.
Bob:
“Hello? …Hello? Yes— yes, this is Bob Newhart speaking.”
(pause)
“Oh, good, good, I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to update you on the… ah… project. Yes, the alternative-to-electric-cars one. Right. The one where you said, ‘Bob, try to think outside the charger.’ Well… I think I’ve done that.”
(longer pause)
“Well, I’ve invented something I’m calling… a gasoline engine.”
(pause as if listening to skepticism)
“No— no, that is the whole idea. Gasoline. An engine. Powered by it. No wires. No plugs. No charging stations. Just… liquid fuel and, uh… a lot of faith.”
Section 1 – The Engine
“Okay, so picture this: instead of a nice, quiet electric motor that you charge at home overnight, we… we explode fuel. Thousands of tiny explosions. Per minute.”
(pause)
“Yes. Yes, intentionally.”
“We’ll put the explosions inside these metal tubes called cylinders. And inside those, we’ll have pistons. They go up and down. Very fast. Constantly. All the time. It’s… it’s like having a jackhammer under the hood, but, you know, classy.”
(pause)
“No, I wouldn’t sit too close either.”
Section 2 – The Moving Parts
“And to control the pistons, we’ll have a camshaft. That’s not a photographer, no. It just spins and opens valves so the engine can ‘breathe.’ Yes. The engine breathes. Like a person. Only… faster and angrier.”
(pause)
“And we’ll distribute sparks using a distributor. No, he doesn’t hand out brochures. He just sends little lightning bolts to all the cylinders. While the fuel is in there. Next to the explosions. I see you’re getting the picture now.”
(pause)
“Right— and the whole thing is timed with a timing chain. Yes, like a bicycle chain. Yes, yes…. I know I had a bicycle too and the chain would break all time. Well, if it ever breaks the whole engine… stops. the explosions and the pistons… sort of meet each other in a way we don’t want.”
Section 3 – Oil Everywhere
“Now because the whole thing is banging around constantly, we’ll— we’ll drench it in oil. All of it. Continuously.”
(pause)
“Yes. I agree. Spraying oil on hot metal does sound like a fire hazard. But we’ll have an oil pump, so it’ll be organizedspraying.”
Section 4 – Getting the Fuel In
“Then we’ll push the gasoline in using a fuel pump. Yes, that’s right. We pump the flammable liquid directly toward the spark maker. Uh-huh. Yes. Mmm-hmm. No, when you put it like that, I— I do see the issue.”
“And to start the whole thing, we’ll have a starter motor. When that turns over, the first explosion happens and then— well, then we’re off to the races. Or… the insurance office.”
Section 5 – The Noise Problem
“Oh— and it’s loud. Very loud. Like an angry, caffeinated bear.”
(pause)
“But I’ve solved that. A big metal tube with baffles. Yes— a muffler. Will it muffle it? Well… it will try. You know, A for effort.”
Section 6 – Oil Industry Requirements
“Now, this is the easy part. To make the gasoline, we’ll need to drill holes. In the ground. All over the world. Sometimes in the ocean.”
(pause)
“No, no, sir, the ocean rarely catches on fire. Very rarely.”
“Then we’ll move the oil through pipelines. And giant tankers. Full of flammable liquid. Crossing oceans. With storms. And waves. And lightning. But we’ll… we’ll hope for the best.”
Section 7 – Refining and Delivery
“Once it gets here, we refine it. Heat it, crack it, boil it, distill it. Until we get gasoline. Then we put that gasoline into tanker trucks. Yes, big trucks. Filled to the brim with explosive fuel. Driving down regular streets. Past schools. And bakeries.”
(pause)
“Mm-hmm. Yes, I agree, signs that say ‘No Smoking’ are doing a lot of heavy lifting.”
Section 8 – Gasoline in the Car
“And every driver will have— well— about fifteen gallons of gasoline sloshing around under the car wherever they go.”
(pause)
“Yes. While they’re grocery shopping. Or, you know… parking. Near things.”
Section 9 – The Actual Diaper Log
“Oh— the diaper log! Yes, yes, I wrote it down here:
At ‘2:13 p.m.— Changed diaper. Shortly before designing the explosion machine.’”
(pause)
“Yes, I agree, the symbolism is pretty on-the-nose.”
Ending
“Well, that’s the update. Pistons, explosions, drilling platforms, tanker trucks, volatile liquids, the whole thing. No, sir, I don’t think it will catch on either, but— but we’re already halfway through the design stage.”
(pause)
“Yes, sir. I understand. No, I would not sit in one either.”
“Thank you. Goodbye.”
SFX: Click— end of call.

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I agree. it might be most readers are not old enough to remember comedian Bob Newhart's hillariously funny one sided phone calls.

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